wooo! blog is finally up! whose excited... absolutely nobody, thats who, because all i do here is bitch & moan because for some reason its not acceptable to do that irl but it is if you're like 5. which makes no sense because being 20 is way harder than being five.
anyways. september has been ROUGH. not only did i turn 20 but a lot of life changes has happened, especially to my interpersonal relationships. i cut people off who i felt werent serving me anymore. all they bought to me was negativity & its like they were bad luck charms. i mean, they were barely even friends, thats a heavy heavy word. they were aquantinces. we hung out sometimes but they barely knew me. i barely knew them. i knew when they were struggling, id console them, but how are we friends if we know nothing beyond eachothers coffee orders & ages?
since leaving the west coast, shit has hit me in the face time after time and now that its stopped i find myself overly anxious. its hard to get myself out of bed especially when i struggle with seasonal depression effected by the summer. 7/12 months out of the year i'm miserable because its sunny. which sounds stupid and it is. why am i upset over the sun? i attribute it to the fact that it was snowing when i was born. growing up, it was always snowing. i dont remember many sunny days in germany. actually. when i was small, my teacher told me to paint something happy and i painted a rainy day. then she asked me to paint something sad & i painted a sunny day. she pulled me aside and asked if everything was ok at home and why the sun makes me sad. i just told her the rain is just better and the sun makes me sad. i dont understand why that was strange enough for her to think i had something wrong with me or my homelife when obviously i was fine given my princess complex that has followed me into adulthood.
back to my main point as to why my life fucking sucks, i lost the woman i hold dearest to me tbh its nobodys fault she forgot my birthday and shes talking to a guy who neither of us even fucking like so whatever. i dont care that much ive cried enough over this. its crazy because the way i talk about her youd think im a hardcore lesbian. i date men. i dont think ive even been heartbroken over a man as hard as i am over the love of my life but we ball. also i missed NYFW becaus i pussied out while buying the plane tickets because NYC scares me. i dont trust people from ny, people who moved to ny, or people who are in ny often. im going next year tho
i had a job interviw for a job ive always wanted she was supposed to call me TODAY about it but she didnt. i guess tuesday since she said either mon or tues so basicall im half employed as of 10:30 pm september 15. Dud my anxiety has been giving me hella jitters and my health anxiety is convicning me something is wrongjrifodfihjdoijvidwkjdl WHATEVEWEERRRR i love you. goodnight. i feel better now that i complained

good news everyone. my life has improved a lot since the last time i wrote here. ive mended a lot of my relationships and once again did some self reflection and realized the source of my perceived misery is myself. after many many long sitdowns and talks with various of my loved ones i finally realized im loved deeply without faltering and the only person making me think im not is myself. at the end of the day, everybody has something to attend to, including myself. and for me, i need to attend to talking about my feelings instead of letting myself explode. its sunday and i woke up a bit sad, i missed church and i was upset because i couldnt make it to my show that i planned months ago (it was beyond my means, i could had stayed with a friend but why would i impose on somebodies home with less than a weeks notice, lol?) so it was for the best i didnt go. i have other shows to go to these upcoming weeks though so all is well! im mad i didnt get to meet him last night but i certainly will when i actually go. i felt a lot of fomo cos my friends were there and they were looking forward to me being there, and i was looking forward to it too! at the end of the day, i cant push blame onto myself when it was bound to happen. the drive to the venue was initially 2 hours but after moving from my previous home, its now 4+ hours away and driving home when the route i take to get there is barely lit wasnt a good idea. i had the option to just not hang out after the show like i planned to, but like i said,, i would had gotten caught in the pitch black & wouldnt had been home until 5 the next morning. it was either that or sleep in my car which i dont want to do. ever.
on another note..... ive finally settled into my new city and whatever. i still dont have friends but i know where im at, what to do, etc. ill have more to do once my car stops randomly deciding to half-breakdown and begin working fine.i think the issue is its overheating, the issue has stopped since summer ended.
im enjoying being 20. its like being 17 but with more self awareness. i think im a little too self aware so im working on not thinking about myself as much. ive been offline more because... life. im finally living an adult-grown-up life.